Drifting Away as the Fish Stay

Slowly making his way home, Asa is in no rush, holding his fish flakes and a four-pack of Aspall Cyder. The rain pours onto him, leaving puddles in his shoes and his oversized clothes, which he uses to conceal himself, clinging to him. Radiohead rocks his ears, blocking out the world. Headlights expose him when he steps into the road. The car halts, beeps and aggressively waves a fist at Asa. He doesn't flinch; instead, he rolls his tired eyes and carries on walking.

He makes it to his flat building. He shoots a half smile at the receptionist before squelching his way to the lifts.

Upon opening the door to his flat, the light from his fish tank gleams in his deep brown eyes, showcasing the rain dripping from his dark, shaggy hair that could be mistaken for teardrops. The room encapsulates the feeling of emptiness. New items are being left around in packaging, walls are covered only by dust, and the bin is leaking rubbish onto the floor. The only impressive item in the living room is the radiating fish tank. An aquatic world, filled with Plecos, Siamese Fighters, Goldfish and Angelfish. It is one of the only things Asa takes care of, that and his girlfriend, Derin. He is losing hope.

He moves into his bedroom, and instead of dust covering the walls, he has posters. Ideas he used to enjoy and certificates he had earned for sound design. The floor is filled with clothes. Asa uncaringly adds to it by taking off his wet black hoodie and sweatpants. He takes out his earphones, leaving him exposed. He silently treads back to the living room to feed his fish, cracks open an Aspall and takes a seat opposite the fish tank. To sip on the cider and observe.

While on the sofa, his mind slips. All he can do is sit and stare. He opens his fourth bottle as an attempt to feel something, but nothing arises. His phone, which lies next to him, starts to ring a recognisable tune. He doesn’t give it attention until it rings again. 

He answers, 'Hi Derin. What’s up?' with an expressionless tone whilst sipping his drink.

Derin replies, 'Hey! Just seeing if you’re okay? Are you?'

'Yeah, I’m alright…,' Asa lies. 'Just sitting in my flat right now.' Adjusting his posture upright after sinking into the sofa.

'I’m happy to hear you sound better than you did yesterday!' she joyously responds.

'I feel kind of better,' Asa utters.

'I’m glad… so…I was going to ask yesterday if you wanna go to a bar tomorrow night?' Derin enthusiastically says and then whispers, 'I have something that will make it extra fun.'

Asa lifts his head and squints, wonders what she means, but has a feeling it is drug-related. It is usual for Derin, Asa thinks she uses them to sedate a secret that she wants no one to know, he doesn’t push to find out. 'I don’t know, Derin.'

'Please? I promise we will have fun. You will feel on top of the world,' Derin eagerly begs.

'Fine.' Asa can’t say no to her begging. He doesn’t sound excited; he is willing to make Derin happy, but doesn’t want to continue talking, 'I have to go now, I love you.'

'Oh, okay, see you tomorrow then. I love you. Bye,' Derin replies with a hint of sombre in her voice.

As he ends the call, gulps down his drink and shrinks back into the sofa. He tries to look at his fish before his heavy eyes become too much to keep open and he falls into a deep sleep, no longer exasperated by the world around him.

Asa manages to get himself up and makes it through the day. Distracting himself by tidying up his flat for Derin's arrival. It is almost 8pm, and he has Asleep by The Smiths blasting to block out any doubtful thoughts about the night. He barely hears a faint knock at the door above the music.

Asa opens the door and admires his girlfriend. She's wearing a black dress that matches her glossy long hair, heeled boots, paired with a red leather jacket. This makes him think he should’ve worn something other than his usual sweatpant getup. The pair embrace and move to sit on the sofa.

'So…, how do you feel?' Derin asks while she searches through her bag.

Avoiding eye contact, Asa says, 'I’m alright, I have good days and bad days. You saw a bad day, they don’t happen that often.'

'They shouldn’t happen, Asa. Have you considered therapy or counselling? It might help.' Derin sounds concerned.

It's too expensive. I lost my job ages ago, now, remember?' He snaps back, rolling his eyes.

'I know, but that shouldn’t stop you from getting help-' Derin says whilst furrowing her eyebrows.

'Derin, can we please talk about something else. I don’t want this right now,' Asa urges. Now glaring into her eyes.

'Fine, whatever,' sighs Derin. They sit in silence for a moment. Derin pulls a small, clear pouch from her bag and holds it up.

'What is it?' Asa asks as he examines four small white pills.

Derin shoots back, 'It's ecstasy, it will make you feel beyond happy,' smiling as she instantly takes one. Asa sees her desire and does the same. He feels nervous but trusts his girlfriend.

They leave for the bar, the pills hit, and the night all blurs together. They carelessly walk through the busy roads, neglecting to look when crossing roads. But it was okay, Derin was right, it did make him feel good. Lights flashed all pink and red, shaping Derin into a psychedelic angel as her hair floated around her. Adrenaline pumped through him, and he felt attached to himself again. It was liberating. To be at his girlfriend's side, kissing her, holding her waist as they move together. Feel together. It was pure elation; he never wanted the moment to end.  They danced until their feet could no longer take it; their minds were eager to continue, but it was time to leave.

Asa thanked her on the way home, emphasising how much he loved and needed her. Their hands didn’t separate until they got home, climbing into bed and closing their eyes. This time, thrilled with whatever tomorrow holds.

The day had long dawned, but not for the couple, they rested until evening. After the effects of the high wore off. Leaving Asa more detached than before, he has been awake for hours, just lying, staring at the ceiling. Wondering what happened, what went wrong. A single tear falls to his cheek. He feels disgusted but struggles to decide why. Derin rolls over onto Asa, still sleeping. His eyes gaze at her, repulsed without a reason why.

Her eyes flutter as she starts to wake up. She sees him looking and smiles, 'Good morning.'

Asa averts his eyes and mutters, 'Go…'

'What?' Derin questions. Concerned, she sits up and looks at Asa.

Asa turns to her with unmistakable rage and roars, 'GO!'

Derin stares back at him, deciding if she thinks he is serious. She realises he is. She carefully picks up her belongings, puts on her clothes and walks herself to the door.

Hiding her sorrow, she tells Asa 'Consider therapy.' Before slamming the door shut. Leaving Asa wallowing in his own mind. He rolls to the other side of the bed and sees two small white pills staring at him, luring him in. He believes it's the only way; he’s never felt so much misery. He swallows both pills, hoping they make him feel even better than last night.

Now, he has to wait. He paces his flat, glancing at his fish, which he realises are in urgent need of feeding. As he pours the flakes into the tank, his mind slips to a greater place. The fish, once simple to him, are now magnificent creatures capable of doing something above him.

As the ecstasy takes over, the blue world engulfs him. The colourful fish are, at first, abstract art, but they morph into the feeling of fear. His mind turns into a maze that he must escape. He runs. Out of the room. Out of the flat. The lights switch from artificial to off when he escapes the building, surrounding Asa with darkness that he doesn’t understand. He stumbles around, realising the concrete when it touches his knees. Lights he disregards become closer to him, charging him at reckless speed.

The car doesn’t halt. Asa drops to his side and yells. The car swerves around him, and the lights get more distant, leaving him. Rain engulfs him as he can barely move; all he can do now is think. He doesn’t know what about.

There is a recognisable ring; he knows what to think about now. Derin. She still cares for him, but he has no choice but to let it ring. It echoes as his eyes become too heavy for the world and he slips out.